March 10, 2015:
“I need time.” I pleaded “I’m not over it yet.”
“How long do you need?” He asked “When will you be okay?”
“When I have a bad day and my first reaction is not to go cry in front of him, or when he is not the first name that comes to mind when I need advice. When a joke starts feeling funny even without sharing it with him. I’ll be okay as soon as I stop dreaming about his eyes, and start forgetting his voice – when I don’t start falling apart while listening to one of our songs. The day I get rid of his pictures that live in some corner of my phone, and I get rid of that gut-wrenching anxiety I get when I want to talk to him so badly but I can’t because there is no way I can reach out to him anymore – they day I learn to control all this, I will be okay. Any day now, I’ll be fine.”
And with that answer, we both settled back into silence. So much closer for having had the talk… and so much more distant.
After You Were Gone 